MAY 30th 2021
I see that shows are coming back and it puts a pit in my stomach. This 56 year old thinks it might be hard to start that old engine. During the "no live music" era I had a built in excuse. Sure I'd like to play some live shows, but what can you do? There's a pandemic and no venues are operating. I could calm down that hard driving son of bitch inside me that will never let me just sit and do nothing. I could just fall back on the pandemic "I know you want to do shows but we can't. It's not up to us" Then I could just get up tomorrow and go to work, because labor is really what I do best. Don't get me wrong, holding down a job and being able to really excell at labor has been a blessing, but not part of my dream. I should be more grateful though. In the next four or five years I will probably retire with a full pension. All because I could pick heavy things up and put them down. All because I could endure long hours and a horrible work schedule. Fact is that has always given me security. Not enough folks can hack that stuff and that means job security for those who can. That's me, obscure musician and skilled labor glutton for getting in the trenches. Could I have spent my time in better ways?
I'm getting off track here. Shows are coming back and I don't know if I have the stomach for it all anymore. Now I might be just comiserating here, venting, processing, crying, I don't know. i told my brother these same feelings years ago and he said "You'll be complaining and playing shows when you're 65." He's probably on to something there. 65 doesn't even seem that far away. Maybe I will have learned how to give myself a break by then. I'm saying I havent missed promoting myself. I do not miss trying to sell another release or get you all to come to my next show. I don't miss the anxiety of wondering if my performance will be good or will I go home yelling at myself for not singing very good, or forgetting my lyrics, or flubbing my guitar parts, etc, etc. Maybe I'm all burned up. Maybe I've spent to much energy trying to do the impossible. Humility is coming for us all.
I'm working on bringing an old mono Scully tape deck back to life. I'm thinking it might be cool to record my new album on that.
Once a week I try and walk over to Brandi's house and practice with her. Viola, vocal, and nylon string guitar. I have a real nice batch of new songs. I like things real sparse, and I'm not so sure that's always the best for my songs. If I can't get the Scully up and running I think we'll go to a proper studio. maybe we'll even do both. I wasn't in a hurry to begin with and the pandemic really slowed my motivation. Not being able to share your creations with others is the real quick sand. As soon and the music leaves your head and enters the world it is already compromised, and that's ok, it's just the facts. It is a baby born to the world that looks a little different than what you had in mind. Then you're excited to show it to a few close folks. Everyone tells you how cute it is, how beautiful it is, how great it's going to be. That of course is a bit of a false reality. The tricky part is when you present it to the greater world. When you get your expectations up, hopes for its success. THAT IT WILL BE MORE SPECIAL THAN THE REST.
Have I written about this all before? I go back and read journals from 5 years ago. Same bullshit different year. Negativity is one of my problems, that and self pity. Sound like therapy?
We've (Brandi and I) cutting some demo's. Maybe I'll try and post one here. Eventually I'll have a new album to share, and then all the worry can start. My life is without want. I have a stable home life, and wonderful wife, and the cutest dog you've ever seen. My home is small but cozy. Did you make it all the way to the end? Good for you.
Sincerely
Barry James Brusseau
