It seems “I don't want to” has crept into almost everything that is put on my plate. I have these scenes play out in my head all the time; I have not obligations, and I can just go for a walk, all tasks are done and I can just read a good book, I have no obligations, and can spend the day drawing, I don't have work, so I can just have a cup of coffee and water the plants, because nothing is being asked of me I can have a guilt free, do nothing day. Then when I actually have the opportunity to make real one of the above scenarios, I find myself discontent and unable to just be still.
When it comes to work, exersize, cutting records, getting groceries, recording music, practicing music, playing shows, doing yard work, calling someone, going to an AA meeting, calling the dentist, emailing people, going to shows, etc. etc. etc.
My first response is “I DON'T WANT TO”. Then those fantasies of free time crop into my mind, those simple moments of escape, those “do nothing” moments, and I know I suck at grasping those. Finding rest is always one step out in front of me.
I have worked and built a good life, I know that. I don't mean to sound like I'm miserable all the time, I'm not. Some of what I talk about can be called “DRIVE”, and there is some truth there, but balance is the slippery reality I can't get a hold of. If I was ok widdling away the day in front of a TV or computer screen (phone scrolling is a disease I struggle with) then that would not be good either, but that's not really what I'm talking about. I'm not inflicted with laziness. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm just trying out this blog thing, never done it before.